Drugs on Earth 4: Alcohol

The below post is part of a guest-blog series I wrote for the former website Alien Earth Guide, called Drugs on Earth. The idea is that I am instructing clueless extraterrestrial visitors on how to use Earth’s most popular recreational drugs — nicotine, alcohol, and marijuana. Here’s the 4th post in the series of 20: an Introduction to Alcohol.

Drugs on Earth 4: Alcohol

In my last three posts, I introduced you, the adventurous non-Earthling, to the recreational drug nicotine, classified as quite dangerous, and available legally everywhere. As soon as I find the emergency cigarette I have stashed somewhere — where the hell is it? — I’ll be back to help you make the acquaintance of another popular recreational drug on Earth, alcohol. After I find the cigarette, and mix myself a drink. We’ll save the marijuana for my next post, which will be happening really quickly.

Damn, that’s fine. The fag (def. number 2, British informal for cigarette, NOT definition number 1, a tiring or unwelcome task, NOR def. number 3 (chiefly offensive) a male homosexual) was in the toaster oven! What could I have been thinking? I must have been drunk (definition number 2, affected by alcohol to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior, NOT def. number 1, past participle of drink (take a liquid into the mouth and swallow) when I put it there.

Drinking alcohol, as our chart (missing) shows, is often addictive. As with nicotine, it appears to be a matter of genetics and inclination how addictive you personally find it. Alcohol also rates high in tolerance, meaning the longer you drink, the larger quantity you must drink to get anywhere close to the same effects you used to get. But where alcohol really excels is in the categories of intoxication and withdrawal. That means it gets you snockered, and, as I explained yesterday, it’s a bitch to kick.

If some of the words I’ve been using today are not familiar to you, I suggest you go through my previous posts, where I have likely explained them, or consult our Alien Earth Guide, which tells you probably more than you want to know. But it’s for your own good (meaning to help you, NOT referring to the 1996 album by The Australian punk rock/psychobilly band The Living End).

If you’ve survived any time at all on Earth, you’re aware by now that in English, and many other Earth languages, any particular word, or, OMG, series of words, usually means multiple, very different things, depending on diverse contextual cues that make trying to pass as an Earthling one of the most challenging adventures in this arm of the galaxy.

Never underestimate the ability of multiple definitions to get you killed. I have known a non-Earthling to end up served as the special of the day in a restaurant for trying to obtain a straw (def. number 3, a thin hollow tube of paper or plastic for sucking drink from a glass or bottle, NOT def. number 2, a single stalk of dried grain) when he did not know the word and tried to describe it. Saying “I would like someone to suck on,” is what got Mr. Unfortunate fricasseed (turned into a dish of stewed or fried pieces of meat served in a thick white sauce), that and his big ugly smile plus his hand motions, wrongly interpreted use of eyebrow-like protuberances, and slobbery slurping. He was trying to convey def. number 1 for suck (draw into the mouth by contracting the muscles of the lip and mouth to make a partial vacuum), but by using the incorrect pronoun “someone” instead of “something,” he implied that he meant def. number 3 (perform oral sex (look it up if you must know; I can’t even think about it)) on someone, in this case the waitress. She hit him over the head with a breadboard, dragged him back to the kitchen to be dismembered, and that was the end for the intrepid (fearless, adventurous; the word comes from late 17th century French intrépide, meaning “not alarmed”) but dead, Earth tourist. My advice is to avoid intrepidness at every opportunity. Stay alarmed and stay alive!

In my next post, we’ll look at “The Kinds of Alcohol You Can Drink,” as opposed to the kinds that will kill you flat-out. After that, we’ll discuss beer, wine, and spirits (distilled, not ghostly), give advice on “How Much Should You Drink?,” and teach you some drunken vocabulary. Then, we’ll look at what is hands-down the best Earthly recreational drug for non-Earthlings who possess cannabinoid receptors: marijuana.

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